A Letter to Sinbad

Dear Sinbad,
I have heard you have been stealing skittles from the Iraqis and eating them in public washrooms that are filthy from your thoughts of no need for cleanliness.
I hear you don't wash your hands when you are done number 2 and you eat snacks while at the urinal.
Sinbad, I want to take over the ship called " The Hairy Pie" which is said to have gold on it. Please help me Sinbad, if you do I will give you half a barrel of crude oil and coupons for Burger King.
Oh and where is that hot chick you saved? I figured you would have made her your wife. Hugo says that you didn't. You disappointed me.
I am fat and ugly, I need this gold to get a facelift and a boob job. I eat a lot of Burger King stuff because it is so good. The smell is like an orgasim for my nostrils.
Oh I also have a gambling problem. I bet my Lexus on a pair of twos in poker and lost. It was a good hand but I only lost to a Flush. Good bet I think.
Sew y M I Sew WEterded. U Say cause I smell glu fer fun. I say cause I hit ead gainst tible. I lic lead cause it tasty. I like smell of fumes of it in pot. It harded on my bird. It hurt but I have a lead bird. It got feathers n a beek.

Please I weterd. Sinccorly ,

Craig